I hope that you all are doing well tonight. The weather here in Durban is supposed to be freezing this weekend and honestly, I am looking forward to lying in bed with my blanket, eating popcorn and watching some really cool movies.
Anyway, I am on here tonight to talk to you a bit about a sort of epiphany I had this week. To be honest, there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have my mini-meltdowns. It usually happens when I am on my own and have too much time to think and dwell on the fact that I still can’t conceive despite trying my hardest.
This time though, I can’t remember what triggered my emotional response but when my husband arrived home from work, I was already in a depressed and sad state of mind. I couldn’t think of anything else besides just being with him and talking to him – just talking.
The two us laid down , side by side – facing each other. I looked into his eyes and got lost in them, you know that feeling. When the entire world just seems to dissolve in a millisecond and all that really exists is you and the other person. That’s what happened. He asked what was on my mind and at first I wanted to deny it. I wanted to say ‘you’re imagining things. I am fine, don’t worry.’ Although my husband knows me far too well and knows exactly when something is bothering me.
This time, I volunteered the information. I sensed the worry in his voice and could see the concern in his eyes when he looked at me. He knew. I know that he knew. But I had to talk to him about it. I started the conversation with a whisper. Our entire conversation was a whisper. There wasn’t a chance someone could overhear but that is what we did. For some reason, it felt more intimate – like we were sharing a secret, something no one else could know and I shared more.
I don’t know how to go on anymore, I said. My heart is breaking and my mind is unraveling – I feel like this is never going to happen for us and yet I am chasing this dream. A dream that may never happen.
Will I look back ten years from now and regret the time I spent feeling so much pain emotionally when I could have been trying to make other dreams a reality.
What if , in the end, our lives are still the same as they are now? but we would have wasted our time and money on what may not have been our destiny?
Oh, my husband. He looked at me and felt the pain that I held in my heart, and shed tears – the pain of a man who longs to be a father and who can’t help his broken wife no matter how much he tries.
I felt that lump in my throat again. The one that is always, always followed by tears and sobbing.
I look around and see these women getting pregnant so easily. They don’t realise how lucky they are. I’m happy for them ,I am. I am not jealous of anyone, I say – but I can’t deny that I wish that was us. I feel the sadness and depression taking over my life, enveloping my heart and like a black hole, it’s threatening to swallow me and never let me go. I can’t let that happen.
I look at him and say,
I can’t let this overtake our lives, occupy all our time that we forget about everything else. I am tired of spending almost every minute on the internet searching for the next thing that will ‘cure’ my endometriosis, something that will help me fall pregnant easily and rid me of my cysts. When I am not searching the internet , I am thinking about it. It is taking over my life, so much so, that I don’t think about anything else besides conceiving. You won’t understand what it’s like – yes, you know what it is to want to be parent but what I am going through. I have to live with the thought of more surgeries, of possibly being childless and the pain that comes with my infertility every single day. It hurts so much. That’s when the tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop it.
He held me close, so close that I felt the stubble on my cheek and I could still smell the fragrance he had put on earlier in the day. It was my place of solace , where I was safe. I don’t know, he said, I will never know what it is like to be you but I am so sorry. This is not your fault. but I want you to know that I won’t give up. I am not giving up. And whatever you decide , I am here with you. I will support you in your decisions, no matter what they are.
I looked at him in awe. This man who was willing to stand by me through this whole journey and never let me go. I am so grateful.
I want to live our lives. I don’t want us to spend our lives ,our youth chasing the dream of a family. Of course, I want one – there is no doubt. But how much is enough? do we spend 10 years, 15 years and by then we will be past 40 and still wishing , while our young days would have passed us by. Fleeting. All in a blur of tears, negative pregnancy tests, different diets and tablets, doctors visits and countless loans.
I want to pursue other things. Try to achieve the goals I always had before I discovered I had stage 4 endometriosis and could probably never conceive naturally. That ambition is still within me.
My husband. He truly is the light of my life and the coolness of my eyes. He said he too wants us to enjoy our lives, enjoy the times we have together and to laugh and have fun. To be present and live the lives we want. His cheeks were wet from shedding some tears and I gently wiped them away as he wiped mine. I guess , that is what marriage is about, hey?
After I had that convo, I felt lighter. I have been carrying this burden of infertility around for so long that I blamed myself for it. But I know now that I shouldn’t. I didn’t do this to myself and I shouldn’t have to berate myself for it. Yes, I am in this situation and I am going to handle it but I need to be happy too. Even if this means I am without a child.
It doesn’t mean, I am not going to try avenues to conceive but my life isn’t going to revolve around it. Who needs more heartbreak? Definitely not me.
I will definitely share my experiences with some tablets I have taken and a few other things, but I am going to focus on my marriage and myself too. I remember the days when I prayed for a man like my husband and now that I have him, I am going to make him happy, I am going to make me happy.
It took a lot out of me to make this decision but I had to. I had to force myself to remember what it is like to be happy without expecting a child to bring me all the happiness I need.
I am not sure what my next step will be but I will surely let you know.