Acceptance but not giving up

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FotorCreated

Hi Ladies

I hope that you all are doing well tonight. The weather here in Durban is supposed to be freezing this weekend and honestly, I am looking forward to lying in bed with my blanket, eating popcorn and watching some really cool movies.

Anyway, I am on here tonight to talk to you a bit about a sort of epiphany I had this week. To be honest, there have been times (more than I like to admit) that I have my mini-meltdowns. It usually happens when I am on my own and have too much time to think and dwell on the fact that I still can’t conceive despite trying my hardest.

This time though, I can’t remember what triggered my emotional response but when my husband arrived home from work, I was already in a depressed and sad state of mind. I couldn’t think of anything else besides just being with him and talking to him – just talking.

The two us laid down , side by side – facing each other. I looked into his eyes and got lost in them, you know that feeling. When the entire world just seems to dissolve in a millisecond and all that really exists is you and the other person. That’s what happened. He asked what was on my mind and at first I wanted to deny it. I wanted to say ‘you’re imagining things. I am fine, don’t worry.’ Although my husband knows me far too well and knows exactly when something is bothering me.

This time, I volunteered the information. I sensed the worry in his voice and could see the concern in his eyes when he looked at me. He knew. I know that he knew. But I had to talk to him about it. I started the conversation with a whisper. Our entire conversation was a whisper. There wasn’t a chance someone could overhear but that is what we did. For some reason, it felt more intimate – like we were sharing a secret, something no one else could know and I shared more.

I don’t know how to go on anymore, I said. My heart is breaking and my mind is unraveling – I feel like this is never going to happen for us and yet I am chasing this dream. A dream that may never happen.

Will I look back ten years from now and regret the time I spent feeling so much pain emotionally when I could have been trying to make other dreams a reality.

What if , in the end, our lives are still the same as they are now? but we would have wasted our time and money on what may not have been our destiny?

Oh, my husband. He looked at me and felt the pain that I held in my heart, and shed tears – the pain of a man who longs to be a father and who can’t help his broken wife no matter how much he tries.

I felt that lump in my throat again. The one that is always, always followed by tears and sobbing.

I look around and see these women getting pregnant so easily. They don’t realise how lucky they are. I’m happy for them ,I am. I am not jealous of anyone, I say – but I can’t deny that I wish that was us. I feel the sadness and depression taking over my life, enveloping my heart and like a black hole, it’s threatening to swallow me and never let me go. I can’t let that happen.

I look at him and say,

I can’t let this overtake our lives, occupy all our time that we forget about everything else. I am tired of spending almost every minute on the internet searching for the next thing that will ‘cure’ my endometriosis, something that will help me fall pregnant easily and rid me of my cysts. When I am not searching the internet , I am thinking about it. It is taking over my life, so much so, that I don’t think about anything else besides conceiving. You won’t understand what it’s like – yes, you know what it is to want to be parent but what I am going through. I have to live with the thought of more surgeries, of possibly being childless and the pain that comes with my infertility every single day. It hurts so much. That’s when the tears streamed down my face and I couldn’t stop it.

He held me close, so close that I felt the stubble on my cheek and I could still smell the fragrance he had put on earlier in the day. It was my place of solace , where I was safe. I don’t know, he said, I will never know what it is like to be you but I am so sorry. This is not your fault. but I want you to know that I won’t give up. I am not giving up. And whatever you decide , I am here with you. I will support you in your decisions, no matter what they are.

I looked at him in awe. This man who was willing to stand by me through this whole journey and never let me go. I am so grateful.

I want to live our lives. I don’t want us to spend our lives ,our youth chasing the dream of a family. Of course, I want one – there is no doubt. But how much is enough?  do we spend 10 years, 15 years and by then we will be past 40 and still wishing , while our young days would have passed us by. Fleeting. All in a blur of tears, negative pregnancy tests, different diets and tablets, doctors visits and countless loans.

I want to pursue other things. Try to achieve the goals I always had before I discovered I had stage 4 endometriosis and could probably never conceive naturally. That ambition is still within me.

My husband. He truly is the light of my life and the coolness of my eyes. He said he too wants us to enjoy our lives, enjoy the times we have together and to laugh and have fun. To be present and live the lives we want. His cheeks were wet from shedding some tears and I gently wiped them away as he wiped mine. I guess , that is what marriage is about, hey?

After I had that convo, I felt lighter. I have been carrying this burden of infertility around for so long that I blamed myself for it. But I know now that I shouldn’t. I didn’t do this to myself and I shouldn’t have to berate myself for it. Yes, I am in this situation and I am going to handle it but I need to be happy too. Even if this means I am without a child.

It doesn’t mean, I am not going to try avenues to conceive but my life isn’t going to revolve around it. Who needs more heartbreak? Definitely not me.

I will definitely share my experiences with some tablets I have taken and a few other things, but I am going to focus on my marriage and myself too. I remember the days when I prayed for a man like my husband and now that I have him, I am going to make him happy, I am going to make me happy.

It took a lot out of me to make this decision but I had to. I had to force myself to remember what it is like to be happy without expecting a child to bring me all the happiness I need.

I am not sure what my next step will be but I will surely let you know.

xx

A

The Beginning and The End {Part 1}

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FotorCreated

Hi Ladies ,

Wherever you are right now, I hope that you are doing well and if you are feeling under the weather – then here’s a virtual hug from me. I know it doesn’t make the pain go away but sometimes it helps , just knowing that someone is thinking of you and wishes you only the best. I have come to think of my readers like that. They are special people who will rejoice in my good news, feel sad when I am sad and never leave me – even in the toughest of times. Continue reading

The Reality

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FotorCreated

If you follow me on twitter , then you know today was one of those days where I felt like crap. Not such a good way to start this blog post, eh? but I’m here and I am going to be real about this disease and the toll it has and still continues to take on me. Continue reading

Fresh Earth Food Store

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In my last post here, I chatted about going on a gluten free diet and what it usually entails and a bit about my experiences.

I think going GF really does open you up to a world of food possibilities and you then begin to understand that there are so many options out there. Options that don’t include only what we have begun accustomed to. Before I was diagnosed with Endometriosis I had no idea that you could make any bread or cakes without wheat. Shocking , right? Continue reading

My Take On Gluten Free [Diet]

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FotorCreated

Hello Ladies and welcome to a public holiday here in South Africa! If you are reading this from anywhere else in the world, welcome and thank you for taking the time to check my blog out. It is fairly new but I really wanted a place to share my thoughts and provide some sort of assistance to our lovely ladies out there 🙂  Continue reading

Toxic Food Friends

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Hello ladies and thank you for visiting my blog today.

I have done a lot of online research about the links between diet and PCOS as well as endometriosis. While we don’t have a cure for this debilitating disease yet ( I still don’t get why) , I am trying my best to find alternative therapies to help me keep it under control and give me a chance at conceiving naturally. Continue reading

Partners

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FotorCreated

So it’s Saturday morning, almost 6am and I am lying in bed (technically, not lying because I am typing haha) and the rain is coming down in sheets. We are well into the first week of fasting which explains why I am awake this early on a weekend, and for many reasons – it has been a good one.  Continue reading

Mother’s Day

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Yesterday I woke up early and looked at the clock,it was 7am and I wondered whether I actually wanted to get out of bed. I looked at my husband as he slept and felt both gratitude and sadness wash over me, how is that even possible?

I don’t think I could have gotten through the day if I didn’t have him by my side whose is why I’m so grateful everyday to have him, but I felt sadness that I have been unable to bear his children and for a moment it overwhelmed me. Continue reading

Losing my identity

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The challenge of infertility is something that affects you in the way you see yourself and your perception of self worth.

There are so many times that I feel like I’m losing myself. Like I’m losing who I am. Who I was before this journey began. I’ve forgotten any dreams I had or ambition I had. As soon as I was told it would be impossible for me to conceive naturally, nothing else began to fill my mind for days on end. Those days became weeks, then months and now it’s been 3 years.

Continue reading

Bio Agnus Castus

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Hello readers and good morning to my South African ladies.

My diet is going Ok-ish , I am not completely proud of myself because I went a little crazy with the public holidays and being at home. I feel it’s so much easier if I am at work because I have got to eat whatever is in my lunch bag , and when I’m prepping my lunch – there isn’t any temptation in there so that works. At home – there are too many goodies and opportunities to be swayed but I’m working on my willpower. Rome wasn’t built in a day , right ? Continue reading